Party in the USA y'all

I am 26 so it was not so long ago that I was a teenager.  However, I feel like an old person.  I should be yelling at the television or sitting on a park bench feeding birds.  I blame Miley Cyrus for the infractions of today’s youth.

Before Miley came on to the scene five years ago there weren’t any YouTube videos of toddlers with shit filled diapers booty shaking and mimicking the pole dancing styles of one Miss Cyrus.  I mean at the age when she started Hannah Montana we were still listening to smooth stylings of the mullet topped crooner daddy of hers.  Who would have thought that his child would have had this kind of draw? I am not going to lie and say I never busted a move to Party in the USA because after all, I am a patriotic American and who could sit still through lyrical genius like:

Noddin' my head like yeah, Moving my hips like yeah…

Yeah… I hear you Miley.  But I ebb and flow between hating her and wanting to save her.  The hating part comes in because she is not bad ass enough; actually that is where I want to help her as well.  Our teen idols did blow off urinals, banged groupies, hell at least Christina Aguilera wore ass-less chaps.  What did Miley do?  Smoke oregano, a.k.a. the LEGAL drug Salvia.

Side note: Can we just say what this drug’s name brings to mind? saliva Why has no one else discussed this? I think if I was 17 and someone was like want to drink some Urinia? I would be like, “your urine? Eew!” (note to self, contact makers of Four Loko and cash in on Urinia.  Urinia, a delicious new energy drink mixed with moonshine).

Kurt Cobain must be rolling in his grave every time one of her songs comes on the radio…unless of course it is the hymnal of the republic, Party in the USA.  She gets all this flack for her music and her poor decision making but this is just what a non-famous teen would be doing.  She needs to step it up if she plans on staying in the public eye.  

                Tips to garner publicity:

- Get fake boobs, lie about getting them, then do a cover story in UsWeekly about how you did get fake boobs but only to improve your balance on stage

                        - Buy a white leopard cub and feed it with a baby bottle

                        - Go broke and do a reality show with MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice

                        - Get drunk, go to Disney Land and put the smack down on Mickey

I am not even going to touch the other glaring issue I have with her…excessive arm pit baring.  You’d think she could cover those things up with her hair extensions.  

I was not a scary youth; I was pretty bad ass…still am, funny how that works.  I do however have empathy for kids today; they really do not have any good role models to look up to.  Miley is still young though.  There is still hope that she will form a new Brat Pack with Jamie Lynn Spears, Justin Bieber, Will Smith’s kids, and that goodie-two-shoes, Selena Gomez…you know she is sooo the Lea Thompson/Molly Ringwald of the group.

I miss the old days of crazy Britney and her shoeless gas station bathroom runs.  When an average day for a pop star was being outed, crashing your agent’s car into a swimming pool, and then dinner out when you accidentally flash your coslopus at the paparazzi.  There is still hope though; Mariah Carey did just give birth.  And when your mom names you after the décor in her living room (Morroccan) and a dead, troubled starlet (Monroe), tabloid greatness awaits you.