The Four Whoresman

If you tell me that there is a BBQ, in New Hampshire and it is good weather, I’ll be there.   I don’t need to know whose house it is, what they’re serving, or really need to be formally invited.  I love me some outdoor, daytime drinking.  I also love going braless and this particular BBQ I did.  I really shouldn’t, it isn’t a great look for me I don’t care its New Hampshire so really it’s no biggie there.

My friend Jackie had friends from UNH that were throwing a party at this one dude’s house and as soon as she mentioned it to me I hopped in Mystical Unicorn and hit 93 (Mystical Unicorn, or Misty, is my silvery purple, ’98 Corolla, I didn’t give it that name).  My friends from high school and I tend to make a party wherever we go.  I guess I would say we aren’t shrinking violets and we seem to leave an impression. 

This night in particular escalated quite quickly, like really got out of hand and 12 hours later we were collecting shoes, clothing and people from all over the house and surrounding yard.  One friend had legitimately taken a roll in the hay and had pieces of the grass still stuck in her hair when we collected her.  I won’t go into detail about what happened because that isn’t my story to tell but I will say that I was the best behaved.  Years later when my friend ran into some of the guys from that night they immediately remembered the gaggle of us even though we had only met us once and asked about us, how kind.

I don’t know if as I get older I no longer want to act like a nut or if I just don’t have the energy to do so.  I know for sure that I don’t want to end up a shadow of my former self, I want people to be able to say, that girl there, she sure is something.  All girls want to sparkle just a little bit.  You can sparkle for your looks, personality, or intelligence; I mean you can even sparkle at your pole dancing abilities…no haters here.  I just don’t want to lose that bit of me, and it’s CRAZY to think in five years things could drastically change once again.  It’s like for 10 years things are kind of the same, you’re stupid, and you make poor decisions and bounce around life like wandering in a dark apartment that is unknown to you (which coincidentally,  literally happens to you while you are making poor decisions).  You keep bumping into shit that you could have sworn was on the other side of the room.

Then you hit like 27, 28 and it is like, “shit!”  Everyone’s getting married and having kids and getting real jobs OR you are the person doing all of that shit.  Either way it’s pretty fucked up.  Then for about 5 years things change at a rapid pace until you sort of hit a mid 30’s wall and if you’re the settled one, things tend to stay consistent yet chaotic until your kids grow up, knock up a cheerleader, and you end up on MTV. 

If you find yourself in your mid 30’s, unsettled, so-to-speak, you kind of have this rapid fire going off in your brain.  Your noodle starts doing long division like you’ve haven’t done since Tia and Tamera were still on the air.  You think, “where the fuck did all of this time go?”  How did I get crows feet? When did I start getting heinous hangovers? ”  You will start to conjure up ways to hack into your 401K so that you can travel to a Sandals resort with your remaining single friends.  Or at least, this is the vivid picture I’ve painted in my mind about 

 the next 10 years.  

So when these nightmares shake me out of my slumber on Tuesday nights I think A. Good thing I have been contributing so much to my 401K because I hear that Sandals Jamaica is divine this time of year and B. Thank God I still have the memories of when I was part of the four whoresman of the apocalypse one July night.  I think it is like when your parents tell you, ”you know, I was young once too” and you think to yourself, “well that’s a depressing thought.”  God has a sense of humor and Karma’s a bitch.  It is still a ways away but I’m a planner so don’t forget your fanny pack and Gold Bond medicated powder as you enter this next chapter in life.

"They stared at their own husbands,  but they also stared at everyone else’s too, for they were whores"