Not So Millionaire Matchmaker

I am about three weeks into this match.com foray and I'm learning a lot about myself, which wasn't the intended purpose but is none the less useful.  One thing I've picked up is that a lot of people dislike the idea of internet match making and or lie about using it.  Many people dislike internet matchmaking because they find it odd to choose a mate on the internet, the internet being the home of weirdos.  The other reason is that it is like you are selling yourself.  I mean sure you do this on a first date anyway but online it is like a first date that is crafted into some sort of a sales pitch.  

Pick me! I enjoy camping (which translates into I enjoy LL Bean products and thinking about camping) 

After the person reviews your profile in an attempt to assess if you're worth their time, they ask themselves some important questions:  "Will you turn out to be a psycho? Are you posting pictures of yourself that are probably 10 years old?  Do you actually like hand gliding? I mean you put a hand gliding photo up as your main picture, so whats the deal?"  Either you fucking love gliding through the air, or you did that once, on vacation and bought the $30 photo afterwards. The person creating the profile is thinking almost parallel thoughts,  "Let me make sure I don't look like a psycho.  I am going to put up a picture showing me before I acquired this beer belly.  I look super cool hand gliding my senior year in college, especially in that new LL Bean fleece!  Maybe I should list camping as one of my interests? I could camp." 


Or if you're like me, you way over-think it.  It is even more awkward when someone asks for 10 random facts or wants to know your favorite books, movies, shows etc.  I mean God I could give you the 10 random facts that make me sound fun, or the 10 random facts that make me sound smart, or the always popular 10 random facts that make me sound hot.  I don't think there are 10 facts that really make me out to be who I am. Ten items of information that you need to get noticed is too much pressure!  The same goes for my favorite books or movies.  I actually do put down honest answers but I know a lot of people put down choices that they think a potential suitor might think attractive.


I'm a good interviewee (doesn't that word look odd?) and I'm also a good first date.  This was only further solidified by my experience speed dating this spring which I am sure will eventually turn into a post.  I come across very sane and fun (or so I've been told).  I am however conscious of the fact that we are both judging each other throughout the conversation and I can get so wrapped up in analyzing every little behavior or piece of an email, as the case may be, that I realize I'm not even grasping the full picture of who that person is.  Which leads me to the lessons I've learned about myself in this adventure.


I am self-obsessed and I am too picky.  I am self-obsessed because I do not always remember what people are talking about during a conversation.  I'm not trying to shut them out mid conversation but I get distracted or honestly, bored (regardless of topic).  I think because my brain is moving so fast all of the time and I am constantly thinking of new ideas or random thoughts or things that I need to do, I can completely zone out sometimes.  I re-enter the conversation and have no idea what we are talking about.  I really need to work on staying focused.  The picky thing is more difficile.  


This is the kind of thing mothers warn there daughtes about when they turn 30.  I'm not quite there yet and normally I would advise that you cannot be too picky.  However, with so little to go on when reading a profile, it's hard to think to myself, "well there may be more to this guy, or maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable talking about himself."  I mean I should love a guy who is more comfortable listening than speaking because God knows I love talking about myself.  But instead of trying to peal back the layers and ask someone to give a bit more information, I think, "Well couldn't they have given me more than two lines about themselves?"  I guess that's one of the downsides of courting someone online before you date.  You can only garner so much information from text on a screen.  On the flip-side, you can gain so much more IMPORTANT information from text on a screen than you can in a quick chance meeting in line at Starbucks, or at a bar, or even through another friend.  Some of this information can turn into a deal breaker depending on the situation.  But then again, that's what its all about.  It being love not the hokey pokey.  You make missteps and you fall in love and out of love and have a horrible and wonderful time doing so.  But the bad parts start to wear on you and as you get older you'd like to know someone's bottom line, or as Patti Stanger puts it, "the non negotiables" before you get too emotionally invested.


I guess my advice to everyone thinking of doing this is to put your best foot forward and be honest.  The things that catch my eye are funny or quirky anecdotes or random thoughts and, of course, dogs in photos.  For my part I'm going to try to be more open upon reading profiles on match.com and in real life try not to judge every bad pick up line I am on the receiving end of: best pick up line I ever got coincidentally, "You have beautiful handwriting."   I don't know why but it just seemed so non confrontational and not creepy but still complimentary.  Very 19th century, swoon.


What I want to happen is for me to go to The Great Guy Store and someone to say,  "Hi, this is the guy for you."  He'll be kind and funny, driven and ambitious but also appreciate life, loves dogs, and is the complete opposite of Scott Disick from Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I imagine this man store to be like Urban Outfitters, not outfitted with hipsters in terrible fedoras and tight jeans but in the sense that there is a bunch of different choices.  Sometimes you try something new and really like it and you just might be surprised every time you go in. It's nonthreatening but without being cookie cutter.  Knowing that there is no such store for making such a purchase I guess I could always fall into the hands of Patti Stanger, Millionaire Matchmaker.   


Ahhh terrible Bravo programming how I love thee.  Unfortunately it is unlikely Patti and her team would ever take me on.  Unless of course I had a permanent blow out and always wore heels....talk about picky...I mean heaven forbid I waltzed in there a curly haired, red head in pants, she'd burn me at the stake.  I'm not saying that I wouldn't love to always look flawless, but it just isn't in my DNA I guess.


I would love for me to wake up looking glossy and pretty and not literally fall out of bed onto my face.  Is there a store that will give me that peace of mind?  Yes, morning face plants happen more often than I'd like to admit.  I am shocked into awareness by my stupid alarm and combine that with being naturally clumsy, you get face meeting floor.  Once I pick myself up, take out my night guard (representing for the teeth grinders!) and wash any remnants of zit and anti wrinkle cream from my face (yes BOTH because mother nature is a cruel mistress) I look almost presentable.  

But all things being equal, if I am asking "amateur hand-glider" to post a more honest photo, shouldn't I do the same.  I mean if you want to know what a girl really looks like, you should surprise her 30 minutes before her alarm goes off.  I mean not only will you see what she looks like au natural but you will also get a chance to battle the Kraken (Clash of the Titans reference...anyone?) because I need my sleep and do NOT like to get up without getting my allotted slumber.  


If you're a guy and you read this and think, "no way my guurrrl always looks hot." I would counter with asking how long you have been dating?  If you're dating this girl for less than 6-months, let me assure you, when she stays over she gets up 10 minutes before you do, checks herself out and tries to make herself more presentable and then gets back into bed before you wake up.  Its pretty much standard.


So what have we learned here today? Women are sneaky and gross in the morning? I watch too much terrible "reality tv."  Who knows?  I'm not here to teach you a lesson, I'm not LeVar Burton (but I wish I was) and this isn't the fucking Reading Rainbow.


Have a good Thursday.  If you read my blog and like it, click on "follow" Thanks!