Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

Ughhhhh mortification, while it does not become me, it does come over me all the time.  Usually it isn't even something that I do, instead it is when someone is awkward to me and I really do not know what to do.  This comes up a lot living in the city where you encounter all kinds of vagrants, drunks and hipsters, so I'm usually prepared for it.  But do you ever lie in bed and night and reply scenarios in your head where you wish you had said or done something in a situation but instead you did nothing.

Well that happens to me a lot.  Sometimes I am surprised that I actually arise to the occasion while still in the moment, but usually I will be sitting on the train 20minutes later thinking, "Man! I wish I had said that to her."  I have to resign myself to the fact that other people can put you in uncomfortable situations, upset or embarrass you and your knee jerk reaction is just to end it and get out of the danger zone (typically within 10 feet of the offending party).  I guess it is like a survival skill you acquire in your teenage years.  

Before then you do not know enough to be embarrassed by your parents or yourself.  You kind have no fear which is pretty kick ass, and that is why you see kids barrel down ski slopes.  Not only do they lack the fear of physical harm, but they also would never think how it would feel to fall face first in front of the entire bunny slope, while simultaneously doing a very unnatural split at the age of 25...not that I would know.  Soon you acquire the knowledge that people are going to make fun of you and there are certain things you can do or not do, to avoid any awkward situations.  Some people however, retain that childlike innocence and continue to say whatever pops into their minds without fear. I think this is where the pick up line originated.  

I was sort of a late bloomer in some respects.  I did go to a lot of high school parties but then in freshman and sophomore year of college I focused more on school, gasp, so it wasn't until I turned 21 that I really started to experience adult males attempt to navigate their way into a woman's heart...or pants.  I always say the best pick up line I ever was on the receiving end of was, "You have the most beautiful handwriting."  Not only was I flattered (it really isn't true by the way) but it also was complimentary and attention getting it was also non threatening.  I think some people, usually men, do not understand that when you are hitting on aperson of interest, by categorizing their physical assets, you can sometimes make them feel like a piece of meat (oh you think I'm generalizing? Go read another fucking blog then!) .  Like you are just a grouping of body parts that elicit some sort of reaction, not to mention it makes me personally feel marginalized and kinda icky.

Women are skittish and I totally get that it is hard to approach a woman, especially at a bar or party when she is usually surrounded by her friends, but stop and think about how what you are about to say, might be interpreted.

One line that I always go back to because it just creeped me out, both in language and tone:

"You have beautiful, full lips" For the record an Italian man said this to me while traveling, but we were in Ireland, not Italy and every American woman I am friends with is pretty much not a fan of the word, lips.  He also voiced his affection for my chomper whilst playing a game of grab ass...swoon

One of the strangest openers I have ever had:
"Can I kiss you" Ok so yes this was his opening line.  Yes I did kiss him but that was it.  I was 21 and thought his approach was novel but this isn't a European, Indie, feel good movie and I'm not Audrey Tatou or Zoey Deschanel...but if I was ZD I wouldn't have any trouble finding good men that's for sure..

Which brings me to my point.  I am trying to be more of a romantic but overall I've been jaded by the odd, although sometimes hilarious, things people say to me.  I thought match.com would be different because people are paying to find a match.  Maybe I am just more attractive to creepers?  I told my cousin and his girlfriend, at the wedding this weekend, that I don't bring dudes around because the only guys that like me are kind of jerks to me.  I mean I think I let them be because I didn't care at the time, so I put a moratorium on men for a bit.  So why is it happening online? Theoretically they wouldn't want to waste their time with someone not right for them because time is money.  For the most part that has been true for me, even though I haven't gone on many dates from there (there was a first date where they guy talked about what he wanted to name his kids...yipes).  Until this morning.

I awoke to an email from a match member.  I am not going to say what he said but I will say his profile didn't at all match up with the disgusting, lascivious crap he sent to me.  I mean honestly, who responds to disgusting offers from strangers? No good girls, that's for shit sure.  The icing on the cake, his like subject line was "one of the good guys."  Ahh I'd like to disagree.  Anyway instead of just deleting the email.  I decided to respond.

I said, "Seriously? That's what you open with? I get that you are trying to be flattering, but that's not flattering, that is gross.  Girls do not want you to say that to them.  Have you had any takers before?"  

Ugh those kinds of things just make me feel so icky and embarrassed even if it wasn't said to my face. So we shall see what he says.  I did feel a little empowered to say something even if it was email.  I mean I know cant escape crude behavior on the street or in the T but I should at least be able to control the stuff in my own home? Its also gross to think this is someones kid..not that I'm always thinking about my mum in everything I do but I will say that when my brother was single I used to tell him to remember that every girl he is hitting on or dating is someones daughter.  That would generally freak him out, especially when I told him to remember that about strippers and that the stripper probably has a kid herself...nothing that being a debbie downer!

Anyway, we shall see if this guy responds.  Who knows he might have a 100% success rate, well 99% after my turn down.  I can't wait for my wedding season to be over so I can actually get out of my house for a non wedding event.  I love my friends and I love weddings but I also need to go out and find someone myself so I one day have my own wedding! 

Disclaimer: If you are a guy I'm interested in dating/dating know that I am not talking about you! :)