Friends With Benefits - Why Can't We Be Friends?

Can two single, heterosexual, opposite sex people be friends?  No flirtation feeding the flame of one's hope of attaining "the other."  Jerry and Elaine tried to have "this, that and the other," but can we?  I came across an interesting video from my coworker of some undergrads answering this very question. I mean we have all been there, someone gets drunk off peppermint Schnapps and maybe you end up hooking up on your friend's couch...or something like that.  I think most people have thought about this dilemma at some point.  I debated this recently with some coworkers and friends, and apparently the debate is trending.

 My coworkers agreed that at some point, someone will eventual entertain the thoughts of "what if."  Even if you're not attracted to that person physically at first, eventually, because you genuinely grow to like them, those feelings of friendship or romance can get intermixed.  Or perhaps you initially find them atractive but grow a friendship beyond that, the fact remains at one point it did or will exist.  Full disclosure, I am on the fence because I have been on both sides of this debate but I'll save my remarks for the end.  Devil's advocate is the name of the game.  One could argue that you could have this, that and the other and go back to just being friends...I mean if it worked for Seinfeld, why not you?   Is it impossible to never cross the divide, even in your mind, between just friends and seeing that person as a member of the opposite sex and thus a potential short term or long term mate?  What do I mean by friends you ask? 

To me, and for the purposes of this discussion as I disclosed it to those I asked for input, a friend is someone platonic, one with whom you can be truly open with, without romance.  We all have acquaintance of both sexes but that is different than a true confidante.  It is human nature to be curious and women and men, both, push boundaries to see what will happen.  I decided in order to get to the bottom of it I would need a super duper scientific poll.

I got asked about 20 people, men and women (mostly women since I have mostly female friends) and I got some interesting responses.  Overwhelmingly for 95% of respondents, there was no clear answer and they all wanted to give me a longer response.  For most of the women it went something like this:

Woman A: Sure, of course men and women can just be friends.  My friend Brian and I have been friends for like 4 years...although we did hook up a couple times, but we're cool.  Ummm well there is also my friend Nick, he is so sweet to me.  Me: Isn't he like in love with you? Oh yeah...hmm ok well no.  I guess there is usually someone at some time, who crosses the line.  Yeah definitely not.

I am not saying you can cross the line and not end up having a 40 year long lasting, deep friendship.  However, regardless where you stand on the issue you have to admit it is a hot button debate.  And I love to push buttons.  I also heard from those in committed, long lasting relationships where the female half would say short answer, no, long answer maybe.  I think once you are a half of a couple it really takes the edge off.  Most of the couples, or those whom had been in long term relationships for most of their life, felt that it was possible because it had more frequently been off of the table than it had been up for discussion.  

Most of the guys, single or married thought,  sure men and women can be friends.  I think that speaks more to the good group of people I hang out with than the overwhelming majority.  There are a ton of confounds, age, attractiveness, marital status, personality etc etc....any number of variables could cause something to happen or prevent something from happening.  However, for a species as cerebral as we, it is nearly impossible for us not to think about it...and let's not blame this all on Eve...that apple would look pretty damn tasty to anybody if you were stuck eating manna and weird grass your whole life (I mean I wouldn't be able to eat meat if I was besties with every animal in the neighborhood).  Wait, what was I talking about?

Ok yes, relationships.  Complicated, wonderful, challenging fodder for every piece of art ever created, song written, and play penned.  How boring would it be if we didn't think about the possibilities of the other? I am guilty of playing on possibility.  I have been on both sides of this coin.  I have had male friends who either flirted or acted upon whims and on the flip side I have had a TERRIBLE experience trying to confess feelings that were more than friendship to my best guy friend that just left me a devastated 20 year old.  It sucks.  But, these are all learning experiences.  Do I have man friends, haha "man friends", yes I do.  Are they super close best friends? No, not anymore.  Most of my male friends I now have as an extension of my lady friends.  I no longer pursue friendships with guys.  If it were to happen naturally, great, while I have before said I do not seek out new lady friendships, see earlier post, I would welcome a new male perspective on life. So you're saying "Yeah, well what are you saying then, yes or no?"

Short answer, no, long answer yes. Yes men and women can be friends but I think they need a buffer.  Someone needs to be in a relationship, or they need to have some common, neutral ground to fall back on.  I think it is MUCH easier to enter into some sort of sexy time friendship and end up friends, that way, its all out in the open.  I think a lot more women think men and women can just be friends than the other way around.  Not entirely sure why this is, I have my theories but they would need to be tested in the field.

So I am sure some of you will say to me, YOU'RE WRONG (I guess you would be capitalizing for emphasis of your outrage).  And I will say ok, fine by me...I'm not married to this theory and would like to be proven wrong.  But sigh, you would then think about Billy* and how you spilled your guts to him while sharing a blanket during a Ryan Gosling marathon...and how later after you were on the market after breaking up with your last steady, he asked you out.  It doesn't discredit Billy's friendship, and you can't blame a guy for trying, and it doesn't mean you can't still be friends.  Billy* was just putting himself out there!  DON'T HATE ON BILLY*! I do find it amusing how fired up people get on both sides of the argument.  

In conclusion...carry on your opposite sex friendships, drink some Schnapps and play Twister (because in my scenario it is 1971) and if you put your right foot on yellow and accidentally touch palms with your best dude friend, I'm not going to judge, sometimes you have to jump in head first and deal with the consequences later (says 20 something me).