June 12, 2012

I’m the Worst


I know it has been like forever since I posted but much like a painter in a funk, I cannot write when I’m not in the mood.  
Oh yes I’m totally painter-esque.   
Plus any sidelined free writing time is going to the online deal site I freelance for or reading weird posts on craigslist for a possible blog entry / bizarre fascination.  But really, there isn’t any free time.  I moved home to Mansfield about 6 weeks ago and my sleeping in days are over.  I’m up before 6 most days, which I know you’re all going to say oh boohoo… well fuck off. For someone who typically considered herself a morning person, it is a fucking huge adjustment since for the past NINE years I haven’t been up before 7:30 unless it was for a flight, or that I just never went to bed the night before.

As my friends will tell you, I’m stubborn.  I will not do anything I think someone wants me to do.  So in this case, the morning wants me to wake up and I refuse to.  So at 3pm I am still asleep basically.  I think I’ve been a zombie for the past 6 weeks, sans for the brief respite in OBX.  So I’ll get to why I’m the worst but here is a brief breakdown of the past couple months.
  •  Obviously I moved home which has been quite the adjustment
  • Listened to "Call Me Maybe" A LOT
  •  Totes got stalked by a bearded Azerbaijani 23 year old that culminated in the worst date of my life, so far
  •   Visited  my friend in NYC, realized that despite what I want to believe, I would not last 10min alone there
  •  Read 50 Shades of Grey
  •  Spent equal time hating and defending that literary crap
  •  Read Bossypants, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? and Hemmingway’s Garden of Eden - I like to mix it up
  • Got blown off by not 1 but 2 match.com guys
  • Cried every day for a week at work upon realizing that I truly hate work
            Oh and while it is totally specific to my work, I’m also finding “work”, in general to be tedious and perhaps I am not cut out for it in general so I probably wouldn’t live well  in a communist society
  •  Tried my hand at reshaping my resume to pursue a completely different career path (see above) and seek out new employment while simultaneously realizing that I am the worst and don’t really have any skills
  • Purchased a new, ridiculously expensive bed that I haven’t been spending enough time in 
  • Went to my 5 year college reunion
  • Realized that I might really like being alone which I think might be worse than just being single

So there is a lot of fodder for some posting.  And while I continue to get people who tell me they love my posts, I have few followers so I honest don’t know who is reading this.  But upon taking some advice from an actual artist, I’m going to just put more of “me” out there and hope no one in my family (and the Azerbaijani) chooses to read the more iffy portions.

I started watching the HBO show Girls and wanted to hate it.  Well lez be honest… I wanted to hate-watch it.  Instead what happened is that while some of the show is cringe-worthy, it is actually scarily true to life for someone in their 20s living in the city (up until 6 weeks ago, but hey they let me visit to work) and all the bullshit that goes with it.  The first episode nails it with Hannah’s gyno telling her “they couldn’t pay me to be 24 again” and she replied “well they’re not paying me at all.” 
There are 2 phrases I hate, well three if you include “so, what are you doing with your life?”
  1.  “Put yourself out there” the worst of the worst when it comes to single gals
  2. You couldn’t pay me to be _____ again”
a.     Or any combo of, “I wouldn’t ever want to be _____ again”
b.     Or “oh man your 20s are the worst!”

How is this helpful?  50% of the magazine articles, movies, books, t.v. are sending the message that you need to embrace this time period before the ice caps melt or a zombie eats your face off while visiting Miami on Memorial Day.  The other half of media inform you that everything sucks and then you grow up.  It doesn’t get better, but at least you can look upon those in younger generations and spout ageist rhetoric.

Look, I’m smart.  I know I’m smart because I also know I’m stupid.  I don’t know everything, I know more than the average ‘joe shit the ragman’ on the street (a reference probably only myself and 1 other friend get) but I am by no means a genius.  However, I think someone telling you your life sucks is not constructive criticism.  I already tell myself how much my life sucks daily; it’s my very own mantra.  I have a great family, fun friends, I’m actually employed and do not have any inoperable tumors…. So yeah I get it, I’m being melodramatic.  I would counter with, it still sucks to me.
 I used to wake up every day excited and motivated but when I actually got the motivation to change my life I realized how hard it would be and how inept I truly am and decided to crawl back into bed.  See, I AM the worst.

I think a lot of my generation is over-educated and underemployed.  We have the most debt ever and will have to work the longest than any other generation.  On top of that, we’re coming off a childhood that bounced between the idea that we are all special little unicorns who get a soccer trophy and the opposite end of the spectrum with the intense stress and pressure to be perfect.  Then we could actually attain special unicorn status.  So we live with the idea that we are inept and struggle to fulfill expectations BUT because we were always told we were wonderful and faultless, we really lack the initiative or tools to engage that sense of adventure and have fortitude in the job force. Oh and you know being ridiculously in debt from overpriced colleges.  Seriously, be the time we are 50 will colleges be 100k a year?  I also commented to my friends this past weekend that while I am totally fun in general, I’m not a fun-haver in respects to activities most Americans deem fun.  I’m kind of a curmudgeon (p.s. I totally had to look up how to spell this).  

No, I don’t want to ride bikes with you, or hold hands, or drink lemonade, or engage in a flash mob, or sing in public.  These are all things my mum would do in an instant (well maybe not the hand holding).  While I on the other hand must take a lot of my fun having from my French genes:
  1. Sitting quietly alone in a room thinking Watching reality television marathons (American) and judging how I am better than the people on the show (French)
  2. Drinking wine outside
  3. Looking attractive (when possible, of course were I actually French id look attractive all the time)
  4. Dogs in public places
  5. Talking with my hands
  6.  Wearing flat shoes
While I am whimsical and like to have fun, I am not really a joiner when it comes to other people’s fun and it has led me to believe that I’m missing out.  However, this also started an inner philosophical debate (see item 1) whether if I should want to try who I am to enjoy these things OR stay true to my ways and just enjoy life as I see fit?  Some people would say I am too sensitive… I would say I am sensitive, yes… but by saying “too” you make it seem like it s a negative that I need to change.

I don’t want to change.  I am too lazy to change and too busy spiraling after engaging in thoughts of my own mortality, which takes up considerable time.  In conclusion, I don’t know what Im doing.  I want to be happy at work and work somewhere, where people blow dry their hair AND still do something meaningful.  A place where making reference to getting drunk and watching Hoarders or eating processed foods (if only once in a while) is not received with the same look a puppy kicker would get.  If you know of a place like this please let me know.  Im already pursuing what I hope would be a promising career as Kathy Lee and Hoda’s cup bearer aka wine server.

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