I know it
has been like forever since I posted but much like a painter in a funk, I
cannot write when I’m not in the mood.
Oh
yes I’m totally painter-esque.
Plus
any sidelined free writing time is going to the online deal site I freelance
for or reading weird posts on craigslist for a possible blog entry / bizarre
fascination. But really, there isn’t any
free time. I moved home to Mansfield
about 6 weeks ago and my sleeping in days are over. I’m up before 6 most days, which I
know you’re all going to say oh boohoo… well fuck off. For someone who typically
considered herself a morning person, it is a fucking huge adjustment since for
the past NINE years I haven’t been
up before 7:30 unless it was for a flight, or that I just never went to bed the
night before.
As my
friends will tell you, I’m stubborn. I
will not do anything I think someone wants me to do. So in this case, the morning wants me to wake
up and I refuse to. So at 3pm I am still
asleep basically. I think I’ve been a
zombie for the past 6 weeks, sans for the brief respite in OBX. So I’ll get to why I’m the worst but here is
a brief breakdown of the past couple months.
- Obviously I moved home which has been quite the adjustment
- Listened to "Call Me Maybe" A LOT
- Totes got stalked by a bearded Azerbaijani 23 year old that culminated in the worst date of my life, so far
- Visited my friend in NYC, realized that despite what I want to believe, I would not last 10min alone there
- Read 50 Shades of Grey
- Spent equal time hating and defending that literary crap
- Read Bossypants, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? and Hemmingway’s Garden of Eden - I like to mix it up
- Got blown off by not 1 but 2 match.com guys
- Cried every day for a week at work upon realizing that I truly hate work
Oh
and while it is totally specific to my work, I’m also finding “work”, in
general to be tedious and perhaps I am not cut out for it in general so I
probably wouldn’t live well in a
communist society
- Tried my hand at reshaping my resume to pursue a completely different career path (see above) and seek out new employment while simultaneously realizing that I am the worst and don’t really have any skills
- Purchased a new, ridiculously expensive bed that I haven’t been spending enough time in
- Went to my 5 year college reunion
- Realized that I might really like being alone which I think might be worse than just being single
So there is
a lot of fodder for some posting. And
while I continue to get people who tell me they love my posts, I have few
followers so I honest don’t know who is reading this. But upon taking some advice from an actual
artist, I’m going to just put more of “me” out there and hope no one in my
family (and the Azerbaijani) chooses to read the more iffy portions.
I started
watching the HBO show Girls and
wanted to hate it. Well lez be honest… I
wanted to hate-watch it. Instead what
happened is that while some of the show is cringe-worthy, it is actually
scarily true to life for someone in their 20s living in the city (up until 6
weeks ago, but hey they let me visit to work) and all the bullshit that goes
with it. The first episode nails it with
Hannah’s gyno telling her “they couldn’t pay me to be 24 again” and she replied
“well they’re not paying me at all.”
There are 2
phrases I hate, well three if you include “so, what are you doing with your
life?”
- “Put yourself out there” the worst of the worst when it comes to single gals
- You couldn’t pay me to be _____ again”
a. Or any combo of, “I wouldn’t ever
want to be _____ again”
b. Or “oh man your 20s are the worst!”
How is this
helpful? 50% of the magazine articles,
movies, books, t.v. are sending the message that you need to embrace this time
period before the ice caps melt or a zombie eats your face off while visiting
Miami on Memorial Day. The other half of
media inform you that everything sucks and then you grow up. It doesn’t get better, but at least you can
look upon those in younger generations and spout ageist rhetoric.
Look, I’m
smart. I know I’m smart because I also
know I’m stupid. I don’t know
everything, I know more than the average ‘joe shit the ragman’ on the street (a
reference probably only myself and 1 other friend get) but I am by no means a genius. However, I think someone telling you your
life sucks is not constructive criticism.
I already tell myself how much my life sucks daily; it’s my very own
mantra. I have a great family, fun
friends, I’m actually employed and do not have any inoperable tumors…. So yeah
I get it, I’m being melodramatic. I would
counter with, it still sucks to me.
I used to wake up every day excited and motivated
but when I actually got the motivation to change my life I realized how hard it
would be and how inept I truly am and decided to crawl back into bed. See, I AM the worst.
I think a
lot of my generation is over-educated and underemployed. We have the most debt ever and will have to
work the longest than any other generation.
On top of that, we’re coming off a childhood that bounced between the
idea that we are all special little unicorns who get a soccer trophy and the
opposite end of the spectrum with the intense stress and pressure to be
perfect. Then we could actually attain
special unicorn status. So we live with
the idea that we are inept and struggle to fulfill expectations BUT because we
were always told we were wonderful and faultless, we really lack the initiative
or tools to engage that sense of adventure and have fortitude in the job force.
Oh and you know being ridiculously in debt from overpriced colleges. Seriously, be the time we are 50 will colleges
be 100k a year? I also commented to my
friends this past weekend that while I am totally fun in general, I’m not a
fun-haver in respects to activities most Americans deem fun. I’m kind of a curmudgeon (p.s. I totally had
to look up how to spell this).
No, I don’t want
to ride bikes with you, or hold hands, or drink lemonade, or engage in a flash
mob, or sing in public. These are all
things my mum would do in an instant (well maybe not the hand holding). While I on the other hand must take a lot of
my fun having from my French genes:
- Sitting quietly alone in a room thinking Watching reality television marathons (American) and judging how I am better than the people on the show (French)
- Drinking wine outside
- Looking attractive (when possible, of course were I actually French id look attractive all the time)
- Dogs in public places
- Talking with my hands
- Wearing flat shoes
While I am whimsical
and like to have fun, I am not really a joiner when it comes to other people’s
fun and it has led me to believe that I’m missing out. However, this also started an inner
philosophical debate (see item 1) whether if I should want to try who I am to enjoy
these things OR stay true to my ways and just enjoy life as I see fit? Some people would say I am too sensitive… I
would say I am sensitive, yes… but by saying “too” you make it seem like it s a
negative that I need to change.
I don’t want
to change. I am too lazy to change and
too busy spiraling after engaging in thoughts of my own mortality, which takes
up considerable time. In conclusion, I don’t
know what Im doing. I want to be happy at
work and work somewhere, where people blow dry their hair AND still do
something meaningful. A place where
making reference to getting drunk and watching Hoarders or eating processed foods (if only once in a while) is not
received with the same look a puppy kicker would get. If you know of a place like this please let
me know. Im already pursuing what I hope
would be a promising career as Kathy Lee and Hoda’s cup bearer aka wine server.
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