Well I
actually might get that chance despite my sub-par acting skills (insert joke
about Lifetime actresses) because Lifetime is creating a show called “My
Life is a Lifetime Movie.” It was only a matter of time amIright? The issue is, my nonexistent husband doesn’t beat
me, I didn’t lose my child in a grocery store and find her 17 years later, and
I don’t have amnesia, at least I don’t think I did ever…
However, I
do have bizarre tales to tell and mostly come out of them unscathed. Most recently, my drunken antics ended in
negative consequences… SHOCKER. The last
Saturday before I moved out I went out following a last hurrah party at my
apartment. It was unseasonably warm and
I think it made me crazy. We left the
north end late and went to the only bar where you can act a fool while simultaneously
being the most sober one in the room, JJ Foleys. I hadn’t been in a while before that and it’s
been a couple months since then but unrelated to the issue at hand really.
While there, I encountered a guy who had been eyeballing on a previous occasion. He was bearded and sober… so sort of like if Jesus only angry and dark… but I didn’t know that then. We engaged in some Tom Foolery and went back to my apartment. UGHHHHHHHHH is where it will lead from there. I’m not getting into the nitty gritty because that isn’t my style but then again bringing home weirdos from Azerbaijan isn’t my style either. Long story short he turned out to be just 23 EEEEW I know I’m an ageist. But I couldn’t tell with the beard. Oh and he used the “n” word TWICE while we were together… it had nothing to do with what we were doing or discussing and certainly came from left field. But I thought, “ok he’s only been here 3 years maybe he thinks that’s an ok word?”
As dawn was
breaking I thought to myself, ok I’m exhausted and he is still here… staring at
me. While I feign sleep. I should have
known then it wasn’t going to go well. He
wanted to be facing each other, double-hand-hold… thinking about it now make me
cringe. I think I must have PTSD. So at 9am I told him I had church and
brunch. Well, we all know I dislike
brunch so that was a lie and I certainly wasn’t going to church after this
debacle but I needed an out. After what
was a tedious amount of time, and like 7minutes of him just putting his shoes
on (why does it take guys so long to put shoes on?) he left.
After a week
of back and forth it was decided among a group of coworkers and friends that I
should go out with him and see what his deal was since he was obviously smitten
and had “liked” and commented on no less than 3 dozen photos over the past 5
years of facebook albums. I agreed to a
daytime movie date with the out that I had to be back early b/c my friend and
her husband were meeting me to drive me and some more moving stuff to Mansfield. He showed up about 20min late but he got out
of the car and opened my door for me. Then
he asked to kiss my nose.
Oh did I not
mention that he was obsessed with my nose?
Well apparently in his culture tiny noses are prized and deserve
affection… The previous night I had engaged in conversation with him on this
topic because I really was freaked out by the request. In the car that day I also said, “no thanks.” He asked, “why not?”, and I said, “Because it
makes me wholly uncomfortable and is inappropriate.” He was disappointed.
So we drive to the Lowes by the Commons. He can’t find street parking and doesn’t park
in the underground lot under the commons and instead DRIVES TO HYNES and parks
there. Then we walk the rest of the way to the theater missing the planned movie
time. During the car ride he again made
derogatory comments about African Americans, Indians and Arabs. So it was pretty much cemented then that no,
it was not a culture or language miscommunication, he was in fact ridiculously
racist. I won’t even get into his
arguments but they were unfounded and ignorant.
While crossing
the commons a guy on a bike rides by and I guess looked at me or something
because Azerbaijani FLIPS out and asks if the cyclist touched me. Then proceeds to tell me that in his country
when you’re going with a girl… oh are we “going together” [?], guys routinely
beat anyone who deigns look upon their fair maiden. That kind of machismo is indicative of
someone so young and of someone who has not really experienced the world… huge
turn off.
We finally
get to the theater and the only thing playing was The Raven… which was gorier
than I had thought. On to our seats and
he needs to hold my right hand and arm, twist towards him with his right hand
so it’s completely across his chest, and kiss / basically rape my hand and arm with his beard and mouth
the entire 2 hours. Plus it was such an
uncomfortable position to be in I think I got tennis elbow. So the movie ends, my friend calls to pull
the old SATC “Something bad happened” to kind of get the guy to know I need to
hurry.
However, he insists
walking the 2 miles back to his car and driving me home. That infuriated me was that he was being so obstinate
(p.s. totally thought it was obstinant)
I mean I really did need to be back to meet my friend and her husband AND
besides that, the theater is right across from the Boylston T stop. It would be ludicrous to walk all the way in
the wrong direction just to drive all the way back. So I convinced him to let me take the train
with the caveat that I call him when I got in, he had already started that
earlier in the week (wanting me to call when I arrived home).
I no likey someone
keeping tabs on me.
So I get in,
move in a hurry, take the ride home and then take my friends out to dinner
where he proceeds to call me and repeatedly asking if the next night we can
hang out. I told him, over and over
again, that it is my friend’s bday and that I just want to hang with her. He asks me to call after my hair appt the
next day and also when we arrive at our destination that night. I don’t.
He also asked that if I don’t allow him to come out with us what time he
could pick me up and bring me home. I tell
him that I’m staying with friends and says that’s ok with him and I’m thinking…
IT’S NOT A FREAKING INVITE TO STAY!
At this
point I’m really just exhausted with the whole thing. After making sure he knows I am not looking
to meet him out that night I also ask my friends not to tag me at any of our
destinations. It works until the last
place. I am tagged, 20min later he walks
in the door. My friend’s husband said
the color dropped from my face when I saw him.
I walked up and asked why he was there and he said he was just hanging
out with friends, coincidentally. I said
I just wanted to be alone with my people not stared at from across the room
when I refused to stand next to him. He
got pissy and then proceeded to stare and corner me whenever he got the chance, demanding in an aggressive
way, we talk. One of my friends had to
physically get in between he and I and tell him to back off.
Fast forward
to 4am when he is still calling. In
conclusion I had to tell him in no uncertain terms, how he was still uncertain
after this episode I’m not sure, that I did not want to be with him and his racism
and wrath.
The End.
Fun fact,
Azerbaijan is in between Iran and Russia
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