Dating in Your 30s... sighhhhhhhhh

A couple observations from the last few months of me actually trying to focus on dating.  I want to preface this by  saying all girls are guilty of all the below in other ways and soooo many more.  Today let's focus on the virtual aspect of online dating, all pre-date.

I am just trying to help.  Recently a friend and I exchanged dating profiles so we could critique each other's .  We're givers that way.    

Naturally, both were perfect.  Here a few things I have experienced/observed on guy's profiles...

When your "match's" screen name is I_luv_my_BABIES038

                                             

• First of all, HOW are there 37 other people with that screen name? 
• WHY CAN'T YOU SPELL LOVE
• Who cares about your "babies" - I give zero fucks about them, so there's that
• I mean sure I like kids, I might even like yours, but they should not be the very first thing I think about when I first see you pop up into the dating maelstrom that is Match
• If they're actual babies than you're definitely not over your ex
• If they are not babies, why are your calling them that?

Let's talk about your online dating photos guys

                             

• Stop taking photos in bathroom
• So do you not have any photos with friends, or friends to take a photo of you, or anywhere else to take a selfie?
• "Why are you always in the bathroom Bill, what are you doing in there!?" (says your wife, mother etc. none of which are a good sign)
• If you do take a selfie, try not to take the photo with your selfie stick showing in the picture
• Please don't scan photos from 13 years ago, leave vertical photos horizontal, and use "photo shop" aka Paint in Window to white out your ex wife's face... so many wrongs
• Oh and especially don't do it to your kids' faces, get a new photo or leave them in. There's something reminiscent about that is not dissimilar to finding a secret room beneath the floorboards with a shrine to someone... or maybe I need to lay off the Criminal Minds

Things you should talk about

• Dogs, your dogs, friend's dogs, dogs you just saw but don't know yet
• You should also have photos of dogs... even if they're not yours 

Well as I started writing this I realized I have a much bigger list of what not to talk about soooo....

                                         Things not to have in your dating profile

      

• Your car
• Your bicycle
• Your motorcycle
• Any cycles really
• How you are easygoing... No one is easy going, maybe if you're a surfer living on the beach in Hawaii or like a bearded dude named Desmond living in Vermont brewing beer out of your home.  Maybe you own 3 shirts that you got for free. You live off the land on shit you find that fell off a tree. In that case, have fun canning your berries for winter in your cellar. - Everyone else, you're not easygoing.  you're just not.
• Your ex
• How you're looking for "an honest/loyal/respectful girl" - AKA you've been cheated on, but don't drag that shit all over what is basically your dating resume   
• It is like applying for a job and putting on the resume that you had issues with your boss or you like to steal things from the supply closet... just no

                Things not to do once you've hooked some interest

             

• Don't text me, "what's up" on the reg.  I mean, ask me a question, send me a funny meme, talk to me about your day... or crazy, call me
• Girls basically just want to be asked questions and then ask you a bunch of questions and then think about what you said. Then follow back up on it and then analyze you and then ask you what you meant by certain things. Finally, they ask you what you're thinking about.

Dating is like a gameshow where you have many of the answers but if you hesitate in hitting the buzzer or forget to repeat the question before you answer.... you could be dunked in slime or something, or not get to go onto the Steps of Knowledge - Legends of the Hidden Temple... anyone?

• Don't wait too long to actually go out, because then you're going to get into the friend zone
• Before we've even gone out, try not to send me a picture of anything you would not want your family to see... also in general keep those pics to yourself
• But again, to be clear, pictures of dogs, any dogs, are always welcome
• Please, for the love of God, do not make me plan the date. Take some initiative.
• Don't wait until the last minute to cancel
• Don't wait until the last minute to plan something

Remember, we're all a bunch of weirdos, so take this with a grain of salt.  Unless you're actually trying to date me, then take this seriously.  Now go have fun out there you crazy kids!  And if you get a bit nervous before a first date, make sure you have some liquid courage:

Follow the Bouncing Ball

I am a ball of nerves, of stress, of energy.  Why is the expression a ball?  It should be a cube because that is 3 dimensional and comes complete with pointy corners that can hurt.

I have been radio silent because of a multitude of issues both work and personal.  I realize that I give too much and have stopped expecting anything in return, and that is more my fault than any recipient of my giving.  Stopping the expectation of good will gestures to be returned in kind, now that is the main issue.  That devalues me and my effort.

I don't think I have ever been this anxious.  I literally had to shut off my AC, turn off my radio, and roll up all the windows in the car, and take my seatbelt off this morning.  I couldn't handle feeling trapped or even the noise.  So that is a new hell.

There are some major life change things that I am working on and hopefully those, combined with some actual sleep (thanks to mr. melatonin) will bring me back to a more centered, functioning space.  I am so over bullshit.  What is this bullshit I speak of?  Well here are just a few examples:

• People jumping down your throat and berating you without thought of feelings
• Self-centeredness 
• Judgement

What to do?  Care less, cut off contact from people who drive me insane, focus on myself.  Sure, those all seem like logical things to do.  While I cannot change how I feel, I can change how I react. I think now at 30 I am just realizing that power really has to do with the reaction not the action.

So for example, this reaction is probably not the best idea:

Like this adorable dog, I just go with my first reaction, and I probably should be a bit nicer to myself and just assess the situation before I react. First, identify if it is a real issue or if I can just let some things go unnoticed.  Which for those of you who actually know me, I am not good at that... at all.

Well that's all I have for now on the subject of my anxiety and annoyance, HAPPY MONDAY!

Stay tuned for updates on Block Island, Mexico, ROBBED - a true story, and online dating X3.

Remember even though you feel like this sometimes:

You can't do this:

You need to try and do this:

Let me know how it goes...



gifs/memes from What Should We Call Me and https://www.pinterest.com/jasomania/zero-fucks/

Not all who wander are aimless...

I didn't have big plans for my life before 30 that were very detailed.  I had an image in my mind that I smartly squashed following my first big trip in college.  I realized that any potential plans I might make would likely never fall into place.

Now that I am officially 30, and 13 days... I feel ok.  I'd love to be more settled and to be a slightly calmer person but the itch that I get in any comfortable situation is also sort of my wonky compass that leads me to my next destination.  The only glitch is that these destinations haven't become more anchored as I have gotten older, I'm still a pretty ridiculous decision maker.

What I haven't grown out of, upon submitting to 30, is my embarrassing ways. I am still a ridiculous individual who high fives stranger's babies and hugs random dogs.  I swear in front of children and lose my keys on a weekly basis.  In fact, I have no fucking clue where they are right now.  But I digress.

Almost shitting myself after a misappropriated smoothie at the gym, dropping my keys down a city sewer, driving away with my wallet on my roof, forgetting the name of a guy I am on a date with... that's me.  You're probably saying this right now...

 But I can't take things back.  Finding my way, balancing myself out, pushing myself while simultaneously cutting myself some slack... that is the balance I seek.  Will I find a happy medium and also outgrow my Will Ferrell-esque storyline?  I don't know, but I mean I have at least developed an aversion to teenagers, so that must make me somehow maturely old?  There is a reason I pay more to do lux level at the movies.  I don't want hooligans ruining the plot of the Hunger Games while I get daytime wine drunk in the dark.

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my younger cousins who are in their teens and twenties.  They're amazing and can do no wrong.  I just feel like I would become a little sad if I were to try to hang out with them.

I do have Josie.  She keeps me cool.  She helped me flirt with a rather attractive, if not a bit eager, gentleman earlier this week but I still went home with her spotted ass.  Maybe if I didn't find a night at home with HGTV Island Hunters with copious amounts of Apothic Dark so attractive, I would force myself out more often.  But then I would have to talk to people...

However perhaps talking with people would land me in a more stable, adult relationship with fucking brunch and matching socks.  Maybe instead of ignoring my personal email, obsessively checking my work email, and jumping every time my hybrid work/personal cell rings I would focus my attention on someone else.  I mean I am a natural conversationalist.

To help with that I could listen to my friend's and family's advice that to them sounds intellectually rich and emotionally sensitive but to me sounds a bit repetitive "Be nicer, don't yell profanities at other drivers, wear make up on weekends..." Shockingly helpful tips.

And also a little bit of this...

But don't get me wrong.  I know it come's from a place of love, mostly.

Maybe I will find someone on my next trip.  Heading to Mexico next month for a friend's wedding,  I will use my excellent Spanish skills to woo a gentleman caller.

The travelling I do in my own mind and the actual travel I have experienced overseas, will eventually set me a new due north.  I am confidant that it will serve me well.  I'll end up where I am supposed to be.  In the meantime, I want to change my first tattoo into a compass.  I like this random internet gentleman's but I want my own version since I am not a copycat, any artists out there want to lend a sister a hand?  

I'd ask Josie but you know, no thumbs... and a dog brain.  I take a little solace in my continuing upheaval that not all who wander are aimless and that I mean to settle at some point, I am just not a planner.  Trips yes, meetings, yes and YES, but life plans... no way. In the meantime, be good to you, make plans but don't let plans make you.  Namaste... or something.