Wedding Crashers

My friend Jackie and I went to our high school friend Alexandra's wedding this weekend.  She was so gorgeous I could not handle it.  I mean I have been working the wedding circuit hardcore for 2 years now and she really blew future brides out of the water.  The ceremony was heartfelt, people looked lovely etc.  Now to the important parts. When you go to a wedding you really need to make sure youre hitting all the right notes.


First you need to size up your audience.  If it is your family you want to go demure and age appropriate.  Even if the couple is your age you can't forget your Nana and great Uncle Lou are going to be out there and lets try not to rush them to the grave with any Lindsay Lohan inspired attire.  Yes, I know that there will usually be the elderly at weddings, but hey, if it isn't your family you get a little more leeway.  Remember though that despite what movies and men's magazines might say, weddings are not a place to pick up men.  


Yes you might meet someone there but you really shouldn't dress like youre going to a high end club.  You're celebrating someone else's love not looking for some ass.  Although it is true, men, that women become high off wedding fumes, the dress, the cake, the love...it is almost too much for them.  Throw in a little champagne and  ladies are ripe for the picking. If you are going to pull some raunchy behavior, the dance floor is not the place, be respectful and use the coat check room. 


Jackie and I were discussing that it isn't often enough that you get to be that dressed up and even less frequent that you can get a man to slow dance with you. Obviously alcohol will loosen people up and make them more likely to engage in the electric slide with you.  You should still remember that you shouldn't get sloppy.  Bridesmaids have a little more allowance, once the bride is all set for the evening you tend to be exhausted and ready for a beer.  If you're just among the guests, don't cut people off at the bar.  Remember, an open bar is good in theory, if you can control yourself.


If your audience is your childhood or college friends and the guests are mostly your age, you can fancy it up a bit and depending on the venue and the bride, really go all out.  Once you're there in your dance appropriate attire, you should really take advantage of all there is to offer.  Jackie loves her some apps and she went at those like the ship was going down but she can do that because she is beautiful.  If you are attractive you can get away with a lot more but remember like they say in Seinfeld, there is a bad naked.  So ttherefore I think there is also a bad eating.  You dont want anything dripping down your chin and onto your lap and you certainly do not want to find an errant drop of BBQ sauce on your ear lobe.  Of course this wouldn't happen to me and myfriends because we are ladies.


As ladies you should try to chat up all of your fellow table mates and try to size up if people are going to dance or not.  If not, jump ship.  Try to move seats away from them and find another guest at your table who might be more amenable to cutting a rug.  I don't get people who will not dance at weddings.  It's like not liking animals or babies, or hot dogs...there's just something a little bit off about you.  I take advantage of all types of dance but a live band always makes the difference and I think engages people more.  I danced with the bride, her sister, a bridesmaid, Jackie, random people and her dad.  I think your style of dance doesn't matter as much as your lust for life while trying out some fancy moves. Of course you may need to take a breather to try the cake.


If you haven't gone to many weddings you might think wedding cake is delicious, it isn't.  Sorry, it just isn't.  It gets left out while you're dancing and any juices, or fruit, or Grand Marnier gets all absorbed and weird.  This cake was actually pretty tasty as cakes go but over all I would say that if it is between a dance with a groomsman or a jitterbug with the bride's 87 year old great aunt, I'd start to strap on my flats instead.


You need to bring flat shoes, either those ones that roll up or flip flops or whatever.  Even if you can maintain the heels all night and dance AND not feel any pain (superhero) you're still going to end up looking like the morning after even before the sun rises.  It just isn't kosher to hobble out of the reception like a stripper on amateur night...try and keep it classy.


Ok well thats  my wedding advice for now.  I am going to two more this early fall, including my best friend's and my brother's.  Two crucial events.  I gotta keep the game face going.  Stay at a fighting weight (maybe I shouldn't have just eaten that hot dog at Spikes?) and brush up on my witty banter and current events for small talk.  You always want to be remembered for all of the right reasons and not for being, "that girl," unless you're Marlo Thomas starring in her 60's t.v. show (Google it).