I have self-diagnosed ADD like woah, so I rarely sit down quietly for anything let alone to actively search for people. As of late, I actually haven't been paying much attention to match.com as I have been distracted with real life potential mens, as opposed to the virtual. Even now that I'm back on the wagon of online dating...or off the wagon of being an embittered spinster in training, I really think I need to pay more attention. You're trying to find someone of a higher caliber than whomever you're meeting at the local pub, and since I'm meeting narcissists, drunks, jerks and lascivious individuals, I am trying to avoid those online. So I have some rules for myself that I think you too should follow if you are engaging in a similar quest.
Do Not Drink and Match.*
Oh lordy I have a hard enough time not accidentally "winking" or "favoriting" people on this site when I'm sober. I certainly do not need to fuel my clumsy mouse with alcohol (Oh man take a minute to imagine a drunk mouse). There is nothing more cringe worthy than when you accidentally message or "wink" that guy who listed his favorite activities as "chillin'." Or the guy who has one photo and in it he is shirtless, in a public men's room, with sunglasses on. Why do they put the button to skip next to the wink/favorite button...why?!
Then there is the internal monologue that follows:
GAH! Not again. Now the bathroom dude is going to think I like him and then I'll have to avoid his messages or even worse he won't wink back. Why wouldn't he wink back? I'm cute and I actually have clean clothes on in my pic unlike Mr. He Thinks He's Too Good For Me. Oh man I'm so shallow. Maybe I could grow to like a guy who lists his favorite book as Maxim.
*I totally have a glass of wine when I do this because I feel like that's the appropriate single woman thing to do. However, nothing good comes of tipsy online dating...nothing. It's like drunk online shopping, you just end up with boots that are too expensive and too small for you. Who the hell wants white gogo boots anyway? This isn't Miami circle 1997!
Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover
I have found that men do not tend to analyze their photos to the extent that women do. So if the first photo is of them squinting in the sun and expressing a grimace while holding a Natty Ice, give it a chance. Read a bit and check out other photos. I don't know why they would have their main picture displaying such a face of displeasure. I'm not sure why they have it up there at all, let alone have kept a photo taken of them that looks like that, but oh well?
I love when people have photos showing their interests, friends and family but part of me starts to think:
Blegh everyone is so accomplished I should really pick up a new hobby or volunteer or...oh Seinfeld's back on, I love the one with the marble rye.
Needless to say, I haven't picked up any habits this winter except watching every episode of The Big Bang Theory, a show I don't really even like...so obviously I'm of discerning taste.
Don't Forget Your Buddy
Try to peruse the profiles with a friend. Its great to have someone who is also on match but an outsider is pretty helpful too. You'll have someone to laugh at things with and obviously drink wine with, as you will have already broken rule number one.
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| Friends! |
T.V. Makes Everything Better
Do watch the bachelor while flipping through profiles. It will make you feel superior.
Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge
Do block people who you have winked at but they haven't winked back at you. Then allow yourself a 4 second freak out, no more, and then move on. The one thing I will say is that I dislike rejection as much as the next girl but I don't think its a reflection on me. It's no biggie, not everyone likes everyone else. I'd prefer it to be out and about when I meet someone because then you can at least attach some humanity to the person who doesn't like you. Online, all you can do is ruminate, don't do that.
So I am sure this was in no way helpful but I am actually, currently on match.com AND watching The Bachelor with Liz right now so it is super distracting up in the North End right now. How about some further insight into the stream of consciousness that erupts from online dating? Me, the last 10minutes:
- Is that... wait, yup I'm 85% sure he's wearing make up
- Why is everyone in this city running? Where are they running to? They all love the running, what happened to a nice walk?
- Why does he have photos with his ex still in them? I wonder where she got that headband?
- He says hes the middle child of 4 kids...how are you the middle child of 4? there is no middle.
- I wonder if Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman is on? I'd date him...but I wouldn't eat cow's uterus.
- Oh man his dog is soooo cute. I wonder what his name is...the dog, not the guy.
- When I go on a date next I'm tottally going to wear red lipstick...the Stila not the other, where is that?
In conclusion, this week will detail my make up hoard. There is lots of skeletons in my closet and while my love of make up is well known, my purchasing and hoarding of it...is less so.
p.s. my couponing is going really well! Still living off my haul from last Sunday but I did spend $20 at TJoes tonight (which I consider a discount store) but I walked there and for $20 I got supplemental food:
- Rolls
- Turkey
- Provolone
- Carton of Sweet Potato Soup
- Romaine
- Frozen Haricot Verts
- Stoned Wheat Crackers
- 2 Maryland Crabcakes
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