1 year in

So I am going through a quarter life crisis.  I mean I guess to actually be going through a quarter life crisis Id have to expect to live to be a 108.  I have no plans to exist that long, because like the rest of my generation on the cusp of  x / y generation, we are lazy and that sounds like way too much living to me.


I hate my job.  Almost 5 years in and I really cannot stand one more literature search, or concerned parent, or coordination of printing jobs, ordering and formatting I JUST CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT.  I feel underutilized, unappreciated, cheated, and screwed over and the worst part is a lot of it is my fault.


Just like no one t college teaches you how to balance a check book or haggle with landlords, no one tells you your worth in the working world.  How to negotiate, how to state your worth and how to talk openly yet sternly with your superiors.  Maybe in the world of finance or some equally money driven enterprise but I could drop dead tomorrow and besides my direct supervisor I don't think most of them would realized the contribution I made to their research.  I am expendable and while in the moment they think I am priceless, when it actually comes to price, I have one and apparently am not worth much more.


I think a great piece of advice to send to your children and grandchildren is to make sure that they know if they work hard and have drive they have every right to demand what they deserve in business.  However, what you deserve differs depending on what you do and where you are in your career but I know that research is not my career.


I can remember being a junior in college discussing my thesis and being asked if I was going to pursue research full-time since I had done it since freshman year.  I thought, "Good God, of course not!"  But when I met the girl in Paris who gave me this opportunity to work at my department not only did I think I could never pass it up but I also thought, why would I ever want to?  It seemed like a dream come true.  Well I know now there is no dream that comes true completely.  My editor/ friend made me realize that I am creative and I do need to pursue something beyond academia.  I did not think I could be fulfilled if I wasn't in science or the academic setting but there are other things that some might think less deserving, that pull my attention and I can't ignore them forever.


I want a new career... so if someone could help me out with that I would like to discuss it without.  I have event planning experience and writing experience.  I can write boring stuff too... super riveting research related material.  I can also rant about how I was stood up for the SECOND time this week by the SAME GUY.  You know.. no biggie.


So one year after starting this blog I am:


Still single except for some liaisons and an unfinished Spanish fiasco
Hating my job more now than ever before
Proud that I started writing freelance, it is a small but nice start to something more
Moving home to save money and hang out with mum, at 27 sigh
Completely fucking without a clue but that is the first time ever in my life that I have felt like I don't have a plan.  It scares the bejesus out of me but I guess I have to go with the flow.


So, that is the next plan.  Attempting to go with the flow.  I have many talents but not fighting against the current, is not one of them.  I guess someone would call this a "first world problem" but I want to be happy when I work.  I want to know that what my work means to the larger scheme of things is not more important than what it means to me.  When did it become ok to sacrifice happiness for alleged prestige.  I do not feel too prestigious when I'm begging to use the one working printer in the copy room... not cool work.


So in order to not become that crazy Office Space character, I am going to try to force myself out of my comfort zone and move on.