Now that I am officially 30, and 13 days... I feel ok. I'd love to be more settled and to be a slightly calmer person but the itch that I get in any comfortable situation is also sort of my wonky compass that leads me to my next destination. The only glitch is that these destinations haven't become more anchored as I have gotten older, I'm still a pretty ridiculous decision maker.
What I haven't grown out of, upon submitting to 30, is my embarrassing ways. I am still a ridiculous individual who high fives stranger's babies and hugs random dogs. I swear in front of children and lose my keys on a weekly basis. In fact, I have no fucking clue where they are right now. But I digress.
Almost shitting myself after a misappropriated smoothie at the gym, dropping my keys down a city sewer, driving away with my wallet on my roof, forgetting the name of a guy I am on a date with... that's me. You're probably saying this right now...
But I can't take things back. Finding my way, balancing myself out, pushing myself while simultaneously cutting myself some slack... that is the balance I seek. Will I find a happy medium and also outgrow my Will Ferrell-esque storyline? I don't know, but I mean I have at least developed an aversion to teenagers, so that must make me somehow maturely old? There is a reason I pay more to do lux level at the movies. I don't want hooligans ruining the plot of the Hunger Games while I get daytime wine drunk in the dark.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my younger cousins who are in their teens and twenties. They're amazing and can do no wrong. I just feel like I would become a little sad if I were to try to hang out with them.
I do have Josie. She keeps me cool. She helped me flirt with a rather attractive, if not a bit eager, gentleman earlier this week but I still went home with her spotted ass. Maybe if I didn't find a night at home with HGTV Island Hunters with copious amounts of Apothic Dark so attractive, I would force myself out more often. But then I would have to talk to people...
However perhaps talking with people would land me in a more stable, adult relationship with fucking brunch and matching socks. Maybe instead of ignoring my personal email, obsessively checking my work email, and jumping every time my hybrid work/personal cell rings I would focus my attention on someone else. I mean I am a natural conversationalist.
To help with that I could listen to my friend's and family's advice that to them sounds intellectually rich and emotionally sensitive but to me sounds a bit repetitive "Be nicer, don't yell profanities at other drivers, wear make up on weekends..." Shockingly helpful tips.
And also a little bit of this...
But don't get me wrong. I know it come's from a place of love, mostly.
Maybe I will find someone on my next trip. Heading to Mexico next month for a friend's wedding, I will use my excellent Spanish skills to woo a gentleman caller.
The travelling I do in my own mind and the actual travel I have experienced overseas, will eventually set me a new due north. I am confidant that it will serve me well. I'll end up where I am supposed to be. In the meantime, I want to change my first tattoo into a compass. I like this random internet gentleman's but I want my own version since I am not a copycat, any artists out there want to lend a sister a hand?
I'd ask Josie but you know, no thumbs... and a dog brain. I take a little solace in my continuing upheaval that not all who wander are aimless and that I mean to settle at some point, I am just not a planner. Trips yes, meetings, yes and YES, but life plans... no way. In the meantime, be good to you, make plans but don't let plans make you. Namaste... or something.
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