Work is different, the people around me are different, and I don't know what the right thing to do is. Normally, I know what the right thing to do is, I just sometimes choose not to do it. I also realized that I feel bad, so I project a certain level of negativity out there, which isnt very cool. I didnt even realize my uber driver was hitting on me because my thick layer of annoyance was preventing me from seeing.
I just feel like I would have a whole lot more clarity if The Walking Dead was back on, am I alone in this?
I thought a new career would help this trapped feeling that was creeping up on me, and it did, for a while. For someone who wants to do a complete 180 I really don't do well with change. I want to be clear that I am not waiting to be swept off of my feet and have someone fix my problems. No one can help you, or love you, or change you more than you can. When things change, I have no control, and for a control freak, well that doesn't sit well. I also feel like, as I approach 30... 6 weeks to go... I realize that I am so not good at being good at more than one thing. If I am kicking ass at my job, I am unhappy in my personal life. If I am dating up a storm, I ignore signs of what my next steps should be.
I need to lock it up, shut it down, and get to a quiet space. I have been so stressed out that I got fucking shingles... shingles, and I am 29. Really not good. Google it, Google face shingles and tell me what you think.
You can't change everything, you can't always win, and you can't fix everything... it doesn't stop me from trying to fix it. I have holes to fix. Helping people though work has been great, except that some of these people are assholes who direct their frustration at me, which is wonderful. I should have known this, but when you spend your days trying to help others, people forget to ask you how you are, not to mention, you never ask yourself what you're doing, and the thing is, the answer is not great.
How does your heart feel?
I want it to be brimming over. For me, enough is not enough, like is never good enough, and love is just the first step. You carry on, you find the right fix for the holes in your life, until dont need to anymore. I am just looking for the next, and ideally last fix. Not sure it is work anymore, or the 3 dozen tiny pumpkins I bought today... yeah a lot.
I only know how I feel and how I've felt. At Spanish night at a terrible Boston club full of Spaniards... I know I closed my eyes, felt the people, the energy, the music, and I felt good. Even though the next day I felt 100.
I know when I am with my true friends, I feel calm, accepted, and in the moment. I know when I think of my dad, I still feel sad, but it also makes me feel like today is so important, and even without a plan, I will be ok... and being "ok," well that is just fine. In the interim, while I figure it out, turn 30, pop some percocets for my shingles, and keep my unironic addiction to The Walking Dead at bay, I'll try to be nicer, including, to myself - - you should try it too.
Sometimes, I will zone out in a moment, take a mental picture and know my life is good... those are the moments you have to scoop up and put in your pocket. I love how surprising, wonderful, and unknown the world is and if I have to wait for the rest of this shit storm of uncertainty to figure itself out, well, there is always the small victories... and drugs.
And then there is always the obvious elephant in the room...
Good news though, my sister in law's, married, mom, friend, was able to send some real stellar messages out on Match for me last night after a few glasses of pinot grigio. While they are certainly not all winners... I have some wonderful messages waiting for me to close out my Sunday funday.
In case you didn't know from my various nightswimming updates this summer... there is nothing this girl likes more in the evening than some Otis Redding, so I'll have him play me out.
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