- Figuring out what to bring to sleep on because although my friend is graciously and generously letting us stay with her, it turns out the sleeping arrangements are a bit different than planned and on top of that I'm just insane and cannot decide what to bring, wear, how I want to pack... it's a nightmare
- My phone is a fucking asshole and is vibrating, constantly, even when it is off. Sprint will not help me and I don't have time to sit with a tech for a few hours in the next day so I am forced to leave it behind. If I bring it, my bag will surely be ripped apart because, as I mentioned, it vibrates even when off. If I take it apart, my bag will be looked at as suspicious, with phone pieces everywhere and TSA and I are not buddy - buddy.
- I'm nervous about not being able to sleep which, not surprisingly, is giving me insomnia.
- Oh and I saw a guy on television who reminded me of my dad so I cried tonight. The guy was named Angel, was Cuban, and was married to a hoarder... so not exactly a mirror image but this is because I am probably PMS-ing combined with the fact that my dad loved travelling and would have been all over helping me get ready but instead I'm left doing it alone.
I was thinking about my transportation this morning for when I move home and I was trying to remember how I got to and from the train on the days I didn't need to drive for work when I lived at home for the first year after college. I was thinking well of course somehow it must have worked, Mum must have done it. Then it hit me, that was back when my dad was still mobile, and was still my dad. He readily accepted the task of dropping me off and picking me up from the train whenever I needed it. Even though he was tired and sick. He loved to drive and he wanted to do something nice for me even very early in the morning. I didn't want him to. Half of me just has a huge problem taking help and another piece of me didn't want to trouble him but there is still a small part of me that was nervous about taking his help because we had always had such a difficult relationship.
The part of me that thought about not accepting his help because of what had happened in the past makes me feel terrible. I didn't want to humor him by letting him help me because ironically part of what made him so hard on me was that he wanted me to be able to take care of myself. I still did accept his ride and really enjoyed the times when we did. He never drove me to school or was able to pick me up because of work so it was nice. I feel like there are so many things that I didn't get to thank him for because at the time when someone is alive you're not thinking about those things. So many times when I knew it made him happy to be with me but I pulled away because I was preparing for what I knew would come. That he would eventually leave me and I would need to be ok without him.
For the most part, on the outside, I am. I had a stranger who knew a little bit about my situation, tell me how surprisingly optimistic I was given certain circumstances (MORE ABOUT THIS IN 2 WEEKS, it is after all a blog about nights). I have a great life and I am very lucky. Why should I sit around moping and ruing... that's a funny word... I would be selfish and irresponsible to waste any of the time I have. So even though I do get sad once in a while, I always try to end up glass half full because that's life, isn't it? Always trying to fill your glass back up.
Its bizarre because I thought I had gotten good at losing people but I guess it is just different circumstances. I always say I started at 18 without a dad because he wasn't able to do all those dad things a lot of the time that you do with your dad, things that he so wanted to do. I went from a kid, to a surly teen, to the one taking care of my parent. There wasn't that in between time that most of you are so lucky to have. The time when you become your parent's friend and can actually hold a conversation. I could never talk about cars with my dad like Matthew or the Pats because mostly I didn't care haha. I always hoped there would be something that we did have in common. I realized only after the fact that traveling was the one thing we very much had in sync.
So even though he isn't here right now buying me a new camera I don't need and trying to get me to wear a fanny pack underneath my shirt, I hope there is a part of him that is still with me on all of the trips I have taken and hope to take. I'm definitely not going to be rocking a fanny pack Dad but I'll keep my eye out for pickpockets, don't worry.
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