Not since Fast Five have I been so moved as to rush home and pen a pensive piece of analysis like the following. I had to work late and thought I would catch a movie. My friend and I decided to hit up this "thriller" starring Wes 'Crazy Eyes' Bentley, Jennifer Carpenter, and Amanda Seyfried (also somewhat crazy eyed). Little did I know that this adventure, nay torturous romp, down simple minded lane would have ended so terribly. I wanted it to be good mostly because I have a girl crush on Amanda Seyfried and am willing her not to take Lindsay Lohan's patented shittastic movie downfall. However, I am a straight shooter and the reality is, I was laughing at a story of a girl's abduction and subsequent mental breakdown. Probs not what the director had in mind?
Spoiler alert:: someone is Gone! The whole movie I'm thinking ooo maybe they'll M.Night Shyamalan us and she will have made the whole thing up in her head. Maybe the terribly delivered, pointed one liners are there as clues to lead us off the oh so obvious path that we guessed 5minutes into the movie? No, nope, not to be. It was like they were giving bread crumbs to you as if they expected their audience to be some sort of plump, slow, Appalachian Hansel and Gretals. WHY!
I thought, maybe Wes "Crazy Eyes" Bentley would jump in and end up being the killer but it was not to be. I guess I shouldn't put too much faith in someone who has literally made his career out of having crazy eyes. Not that I'm judging. I whispered to my friend 5minutes in that while he decidedly has the look of a kidnapper, he is also kinda hot in a creepy kind of way. Likely scenario: "Hey, I'm in this dark alley cutting through, oh no is someone following me? Ahhh crazy eyes! Oh, it's just Wes Bentley... hanging out, peeping and creeping." There is also the troubling police force.
Well, troubling that the cheating husband of Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats has floated himself up to the buffet one too many times and is looking a little bloated (still cute though). Also, still has super southern accent even though this is supposed to be Oregon. Then there's Detective Crazy Eyes, who all too conveniently decides to believe Amanda's character even though every one's told him they think she is insane. There's terrible hair, lady cop, Katherine Moennig who apparently was in The L Word but I remember her from the short lived series Young Americans (full discloser I was mostly in love with that show because I love the David Bowie song). So chick from Young Americans does shit but also has hair that looks she had a cat hairdresser (only SAC people will get this reference). Then there's sexy lead cop who really wants to believe Amanda but can't do it, I think its because he is super hot and has trouble getting past that, intellectutally. Anyway, that dude's name is Daniel Sunjata aka hot Navy dude from SATC who invites Carrie to the naval party. We all know my love of the navy aka that time I went on board that Italian Naval vessel for a party at Falcons wharf, on a Tuesday and additionally my ongoing, unhealthy love when the tall ships dock in Boston. So anyway, that dude is pretty useless too. And I love how they're like, "this chick is wacko." We totes looked for this alleged kidnapper for like 6 days and never found him. Ladies love making shit up.
Yes, girls often fabricate Ashley Judd movies (Kiss the Girls is an awesome movie by the way). However, I have to say that Amanda (also if you haven't noticed I don't like calling them by their character names... get over it) is all like, "he's still out there!" and then she's all like I'm hunting his ass down, alone, in the woods, at night... this dude kidnapped you! Yes you have a .38, and you too self defense classes, but come on, this dude has killed a boat load o' ladies and trapped your ass down a hole at one point! I know she was looking for her sister but at least take Crazy Eyes with you, or creepy motel dude, or creepy locksmith dude.
So she calls the man she believes to be her kidnapper and who she thinks has her sister. She drives into the middle of nowhere, after he says, "I don't have your sister" and then starts traipsing through the woods, finds this tent he's been living in that has a couple Polaroids of his victims tapes up to the tent wall... eew and then theres like a 90 second battle and that's it. Eighty minutes of nothing, then she like texts the dude and kills him?! Anticlimactic. Then Crazy Eyes, who you are expecting, hoping, to be the plot twist killer shows up and he was actually just getting his mom some soup. Soup. Ughhhh.
It was mostly the story and script that sucked, not the wack-a-doodle cast. I just hope Amanda does better in the Linda Lovelace bio pic (a role she snagged from Lindsay "yes that's coke in my purse" Lohan) and gets her head back into the game. Your beautiful hair and slightly crazy eyes can't carry you forever!
Maybe Wes and Amanda should make some crazy eyed babies? I do fear it might turn out like some demented Japanese Precious Moments doll or some Gwen Stefani created Harijuku concoction though.
I also know I promised 2 more pieces to the Spain puzzle but I need to sit down and think how best to tell story whereas this nonsense I whipped up in 20minutes.
I like your reviews.
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