Welcome to the Hotel California

Well the big weekend has come and gone.  My toe dipping into the sea of love turned into a belly flop in a much more shallow kiddie pool.  The ins and outs will be detailed later.  But for now, as I sit here with a face mask on (pulled from my several dozen samples as you've heard me right about before) in my underwear, while I listen to The Eagles... I want to focus on one thing in particular.  You are only as amazing as you believe you are.  Others only see how wonderful you truly are when you allow them to.  When you don't, its usually for the right reasons.

Yeah, candels add to the overall vibe

ShitMotherFuckerFuckShit... fuck.  I did not fuck it up for the record.  He just decided I needed to know how unperfect I truly was.  It involved showing me photos of his exes, making fun of my phone, my grey hairs that have started to arise, my lack of confidence (which I should have despite my aged hair) and how great an emotional mirror he could be for me.  You know what isn't helpful, asshole? Saying all those things girls secretly think about themselves to their face. 

Women don't need you to tell them how less than they are compared to Minka Kelly... oh yeah, that happened.  We don't need you to tell us you care while simultaneously pointing out our flaws.  I don't need you to say mean shit to me because chances are, I've already been told it before or thought of something way worse myself.  Mr. Big turned out to be a BIG disappointment when I finally let my guard down.  I mean there is some sort of American Psycho mind game bullshit he's playing and I am over games and, at 38, you'd think he'd be too. Also, he was generous and charming and you love be enamored instantly, but why be kind to strangers but not someone you want to be with? Be honest, if you don't like me, for whatever reason, don't tell me you love me.  I don't throw that word around.  You need a permit for a weapon of that magnitude.  Ask anyone who knows me, I'm not going to flip out to hear youre not into me.  Thats fine.  People's chemistry and falling for someone isn't like cornbread... as in everyone FUCKING LOVES IT AND IT'S PERFECT ... right? that's just not me? God I wish I had some now...

Oh and don't worry, I'm sure he wont be reading this because he has way more important things to do.  I'm sure if he did take the minutes to read through he would merely brand me the psycho girl all women are.  Look, I'd be the first person to say bitches be crazy.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  But I'm not heaping blame on him. 

My emotional availability, or lack there of, is well documented and worse than any sports related seasonal handicap, because mine is year round and no team wants to pick that up.  But I'm a good time.  Even Big couldn't deny this.  So I worked on my sometimes concrete wall of pushback and allowed myself to be as open as I could and it backfired.  We all have our flaws.  Mine aren't merely physical, but I work on them all... note the mask above ha!

I deserve better.  He deserves someone who gets his... humor. He can find what he wants.  Good luck.  But I'm 27 and I want more than just not enough.  Great on paper, but not for me.  I might not have a car, be relatively poor, live with my mom, commute via train at the crack of dawn to a job I hate every day but I have this $8 dollar of wine, I'm kind, funny, I have amazing friends and family and a pretty nice rack.  So if that's too "budget" for some people that's fine by me.