Stars, they make me wonder where you are

Sometimes, some thing will catch me off guard. A stranger’s kindness, something funny, or a mundane daily activity will make me break down like shining my own boots for the first time hahaha.  I mean really blubber, like some sort of Nicholas Sparks not so heroic heroine.  Lately it has been Grace Potter and The Nocturnals’ “Stars.”

           

  I legit had to pull over my mum’s car this week because I was crying too hard.  It would be funny if it wasn't so sad… blegh.

Once again my family is entrenched in heavy hitting trauma.  I don’t want anyone to misconstrue my mention of this family emergency as some sort of fodder for a particularly serious entry.  Because when it comes down to it, if anyone trivialized any one, or any aspect of our lives I would beat them with an aluminum baseball bat, to be specific.  However, it seems that recently we can’t get our heads above water.  Literally I keep having my reoccurring nightmare of waves crashing overhead and I wake up 4 times a night, never really asleep and never really awake until I drag myself out of bed.

Even though I believe I have been dealing with dad’s death better than most of my family I will also admit that I rarely ever use those words, dad is dead.  Because when I do it brings out the water works.  I feel like when I look back n the past 12 months, as I approach another birthday, that I haven’t moved forward an instead, have lost too much.  I sculpt certain aspects of my life to protect myself so I can just keep trucking along.  With recent upheavals I think I need to give myself some time outs. Time out, from lots of things, but especially guilt.

You can never be there at the right time.  You can never be there enough.  You can never be enough. Not even for yourself. So lets just take a step back, everyone and don’t beat yourself up for anything because I know we all do it. I mean this for my friends dealing with life’s turmoil, for my family whom I love more than they know and for people I have yet to meet. 

Well not to that crazy lady in Copley Square who yells at me that I ruined her life… Listen crazy, I may have fucked up some things, but I’m fairly certain I didn’t cause you to act like grade A lunatic.

So it is a low.  But I’m coming off a high so let’s dip with the dip and come back up.

I followed your ashes into outer space
I can't look out the window, 
I can't look at this place, 

I can't look at the stars, 
They make me wonder where you are