I'll Trade You Brady for Welker...and Did You Get Your Whorefit from Marshalls?

JK about Brady and Welker. I only added their names so people would open link. Yeah I'm a big time swindler, that should be the title of my autobiography The Dani Schroth Story: Big Time Swindler, Small Town Girl.... Anyway, even though I'm not here to discuss football, it has come to my attention that my friends and I discuss men and Match.com like we're looking to prepare for our fantasy football draft.

"Oh wait he doesn't like to read.  What do you have?  Oh an experienced sailor... now that's something I can use..."

Actually what I can use is someone who can carry my mum's window unit air conditioner down to the cellar.  It has been sitting on the floor of the dining room for 6 weeks.  But you know, I don't want to be too picky.

I do it all the time.  In real life obviously you do the shit talking on the sidelines after a couple glasses of wine.  Commiserate, discuss.  But the beauty of online dating is that you can actually critique someone's stats right away.  You dont have to wait for them to fumble in the 4th quarter and ruin your evening (look Im really trying with this football stuff).  Plus there is an actual function so you can send a profile to your friend if you think they might like him.  Very handy, like online wingman service. I mean its not like MVP on the Jersey Shore because no one I know is going to ask if a guy is DTF.  Speaking of which....

(disclaimer, family stop reading now)

I may have made a slight miscalculation on a date recently and did a sleepover when I really shouldn't have, on a weeknight.  Damn you and your judgement!  I really don't want to get into the date itself.  It was fine.  Second date. Anyway.... the next morning I realize that A. I have to go to work in like an hour B. I had told my coworkers that I was in fact going on a date the previous night and so having the same clothes on as the night before was not going to work.

Ugh such are the trials and tribulations of a lady of the night I guess... or something.

So I came up with a brilliant plan.  I went into work in the same outfit but kept my jacket on for an hour until the Marshalls across the street opened up at 9:30am.  I excused myself, picked up the first 2 things I could find, changed in the Panera bathroom, obvi, and went back into work. 

Now the key to picking out a whorefit is that you shouldnt get anything too nice or people will start asking you about it and then you have to explain you literally just got it... like right now.  Or lie and then it gets weird (and not the good weird kind). Additionally, you want something comfortable and cheap, much like yourself BAZINGA!  Why spend money on something you dont love just so you can cover up that scarlet letter burning into your chest, like a much less wholesome  Rudulph's red nose.  

I completed my task and no one was the wiser.  Maybe because I work somewhere, where nobody cares what anyone else wears. Whatever.  All I really want to do for the next 3 weeks is sleep, wrap presents, and watch Christmas movies.  I am however going to not one but TWO Stir events in the next 2 weeks so I'm sure I'll have something to report back on besides my ever progressing downward spiral into Little Edie from Grey Gardens.

What I do when I'm alone for more than 2 hours....