F*ck I'm Old!

As I reach for my ID to give to the doorman, I hear, "No ma'am you're all set."  

More on that later... I realized the other day that I am old and have been old for at least 2 years. I don't want to go out 2 nights in a row, I don't want to go out at all.  Its like there is a glimmer of this person I was 5 years ago and on Wednesday I'll text my girls be like, "We goin' out tonight because I be bangin'!" and then the excitement fades by Friday at 5pm because the week was hard, I'm tired, and... I'm old.

By the way, I would never say the quoted text above unless I was an extra on Playing House, or super drunk following a viewing of an episode of Playing House at my bff's house.

Here is why I cannot go out 2 nights in a row... when I get a hangover, here is what I say when I show up to work the next day:

Although, no one at work would think this was strange since the only people I drink with anymore are my coworkers.  There is nothing wrong with this, in fact I like my coworkers a lot so it's fun since we all have so much in common and routinely, accidentally call the office "home" so I guess if work is my home, the bar downstairs is our kitchen?

However, because of the commute and the sometimes longer workday than some of my friends, I am not always able to do the things they do together. I sometimes feel so out of the loop with my actual personal life because of the time spend on my work personal life, work professional life, and work social media life, that I feel like I am the butt of an inside joke I'm not a part of when I see my friends and family.

Spoiler alert... SHE is Monster Mash... rough.

So when I got the opportunity to see my friend who lives in another country for a surprise bachelorette (by the way, a word I can NEVER spell correctly, even sometimes with spell check) I thought, perfect! I can connect with some friends I haven't seen in a while and go to a game.

That part was fun, except for sweating my face, boobs, and ass off in the blistering sun.  But the seats were good and the lemonade was cold.  I skedaddled to get my train following the game but missed it by 1 minute after getting caught in the middle of recent crime scene on Dartmouth street. No biggie.  By the time I realized it, I sort of walked around in a circle like an idiot trying to think of what to do.

So I texted my pal Courtney who works in the area to say hi...

Unfortunately, she was caught up with actual work things and since normally I don't see daylight that early on a Thursday, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't have my Kindle or an actual book, and my phone was dying, of course.  The two closest places to Back Bay station are bars...The Brownstone and Clerys.  So I chose to visit my youth at Clery's.

To get back to beginning of this post... there was a doorman.  I was thinking, why is there a doorman at 7pm on a weeknight?  Then i realized I was an idiot and this place was already packed and would only grow in numbers in the coming hours.  I know the drill, I've been to few bars in my day, so I pulled out my ID.  Or rather, I attempted to pull it out of my big wallet in my even bigger bag and as I go to give it to him, he dismisses me.  What's worse, he dismisses me after looking at me.  I would hope to think OK, well, I look like a legitimate non under age person, but then he called me ma'am.

Ma'am??? I have a few months left of my 20's cut me a fucking break brosef!

Besides, its not like I wanted to go party with the young financiers and interns!

I just wanted to charge my phone and have a glass of chardonnay like any other self respecting working gal.  I saddled up to the bar to do just that after being too old looking to warrant even a pity ID check and order me a cold one... cold wine.  It is after my first sip that I realize, I am literally the oldest person at the bar.  There are a few people my age or even a year or two older sitting in the far back section at tables, in chairs, eating appetizers like civilized people.

When did this happen?!  I'm pretty sure the guys next to me ordering shandies and fireball shots thought I was a narc. There were a few warning signs of my oldness:  I only own flat shoes now. I listen to NPR.  I pay my bills on time, usually. I never wear a full face of makeup anymore unless I'm going somewhere that requires me to give out my business card or sit at a table with assigned seating and awkward centerpieces.  I knew it was inevitable but I tried to fight it off. 

I like to be optimistic.  Scratch that, I like to tell people I am optimistic but I'm mostly doom and gloom internally.  It's like 70% doom, 20% gloom, and 10% puppies inside this noggin. - what can I say, I'm a worriers. However, operating under the guise that I am a glass half full girl, who knows, maybe my 30's will be good for me?   Maybe I'll take better care of myself, contribute more to my 401K , go to the dentist more often, and stop talking to myself in public.  

I mean I don't have much to even write about anymore.  I used to be so much more exciting, half the stuff I did I couldn't even write about.  No more Todd Tisdales, J.J. Foley's, roof decks with strangers, make outs with even more strangers on a dance floor in Barcelona (although I will say Philly seems to be very good to me in the mens department as of late).  I think the realization of this change is sort of a reoccurring theme in any self examination I take time for.

I want to elaborate on the old factor... 29 isn't old in years, I'm not a fucking myopic, self-centered idiot, I just mean my personality is old now and the age is seeping out of my pores. I will say, there are some great things about feeling older too:

• I say 'vagina' a lot and think everyone just needs to get over it and say it too
• I get to be the boss sometimes 
• Thinking about retirement at 29 isn't the most fun but at least you know there will be an end to working and each year older, is a year closer to parking your old ass on the beach in Boca with a mai tai in hand.
• I get to call people younger than me 'hooligans'
• I'm very close to shaking my fist at someone and making a 'harrumph' noise - and who doesn't love that!
• I have always enjoyed matinees and now it's even more fun for me because hooligans don't go at that time.

So I think I am actually partially OK with my oldness.  I just need to have more fun doing this decade, but responsible fun, it's a thing.  My new goal this next decade: I just want the dream, being great at work, relationships, family, and befriending every dog in the state.

Besides, things may change and some friends may drift away, and the things you did with them are just memories... there are great friends who you'll always have and great times you don't yet know about that will knock you on your ass no matter how old you are.