Dating in Your 30s... sighhhhhhhhh

A couple observations from the last few months of me actually trying to focus on dating.  I want to preface this by  saying all girls are guilty of all the below in other ways and soooo many more.  Today let's focus on the virtual aspect of online dating, all pre-date.

I am just trying to help.  Recently a friend and I exchanged dating profiles so we could critique each other's .  We're givers that way.    

Naturally, both were perfect.  Here a few things I have experienced/observed on guy's profiles...

When your "match's" screen name is I_luv_my_BABIES038

                                             

• First of all, HOW are there 37 other people with that screen name? 
• WHY CAN'T YOU SPELL LOVE
• Who cares about your "babies" - I give zero fucks about them, so there's that
• I mean sure I like kids, I might even like yours, but they should not be the very first thing I think about when I first see you pop up into the dating maelstrom that is Match
• If they're actual babies than you're definitely not over your ex
• If they are not babies, why are your calling them that?

Let's talk about your online dating photos guys

                             

• Stop taking photos in bathroom
• So do you not have any photos with friends, or friends to take a photo of you, or anywhere else to take a selfie?
• "Why are you always in the bathroom Bill, what are you doing in there!?" (says your wife, mother etc. none of which are a good sign)
• If you do take a selfie, try not to take the photo with your selfie stick showing in the picture
• Please don't scan photos from 13 years ago, leave vertical photos horizontal, and use "photo shop" aka Paint in Window to white out your ex wife's face... so many wrongs
• Oh and especially don't do it to your kids' faces, get a new photo or leave them in. There's something reminiscent about that is not dissimilar to finding a secret room beneath the floorboards with a shrine to someone... or maybe I need to lay off the Criminal Minds

Things you should talk about

• Dogs, your dogs, friend's dogs, dogs you just saw but don't know yet
• You should also have photos of dogs... even if they're not yours 

Well as I started writing this I realized I have a much bigger list of what not to talk about soooo....

                                         Things not to have in your dating profile

      

• Your car
• Your bicycle
• Your motorcycle
• Any cycles really
• How you are easygoing... No one is easy going, maybe if you're a surfer living on the beach in Hawaii or like a bearded dude named Desmond living in Vermont brewing beer out of your home.  Maybe you own 3 shirts that you got for free. You live off the land on shit you find that fell off a tree. In that case, have fun canning your berries for winter in your cellar. - Everyone else, you're not easygoing.  you're just not.
• Your ex
• How you're looking for "an honest/loyal/respectful girl" - AKA you've been cheated on, but don't drag that shit all over what is basically your dating resume   
• It is like applying for a job and putting on the resume that you had issues with your boss or you like to steal things from the supply closet... just no

                Things not to do once you've hooked some interest

             

• Don't text me, "what's up" on the reg.  I mean, ask me a question, send me a funny meme, talk to me about your day... or crazy, call me
• Girls basically just want to be asked questions and then ask you a bunch of questions and then think about what you said. Then follow back up on it and then analyze you and then ask you what you meant by certain things. Finally, they ask you what you're thinking about.

Dating is like a gameshow where you have many of the answers but if you hesitate in hitting the buzzer or forget to repeat the question before you answer.... you could be dunked in slime or something, or not get to go onto the Steps of Knowledge - Legends of the Hidden Temple... anyone?

• Don't wait too long to actually go out, because then you're going to get into the friend zone
• Before we've even gone out, try not to send me a picture of anything you would not want your family to see... also in general keep those pics to yourself
• But again, to be clear, pictures of dogs, any dogs, are always welcome
• Please, for the love of God, do not make me plan the date. Take some initiative.
• Don't wait until the last minute to cancel
• Don't wait until the last minute to plan something

Remember, we're all a bunch of weirdos, so take this with a grain of salt.  Unless you're actually trying to date me, then take this seriously.  Now go have fun out there you crazy kids!  And if you get a bit nervous before a first date, make sure you have some liquid courage: