- Still living at home, so I have that not going for me.
- I went from having 2 guys uber interested in me to 0.
- I went from being critical to my company to being tossed out on my ass with less than 2 weeks severance.
- I spend my days fighting unemployment and pushing my former employer to work with me to get me in a place where I can actually receive payment.
- My car is approaching 200K miles, so you know, one for the record books.
- I spend most nights home being someone I never thought I was, boring.
Ok just need to get this off my chest:
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not disclosing this because I am distraught. I mean I am but you know less in a Girl Interrupted way and more in a 'I can't believe this fucking happened' way. I am bringing this up because I feel like no one freaking talks about the crippling psychosis, anger, and feeling of worthlessness that comes with being laid off.
When you ask me how I am doing, I am not going to tell you I am doing fine, and you know, "networking, sending my resume around etc." For fucks sake of course I am doing that. Nonstop. Which of course makes me feel like even more of a failure. My job was my life. So no, I am NOT FINE.
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| Artist's rendition of me writing |
Actually, I am mostly beyond the tear phase and have moved on to the irrational anger phase, more to come on that. Things weren't perfect before but I guess I had allowed my job to become my center so as long as I gave that 110%, I was able to anchor myself, I truly had passion for what I was doing. It is hard to see the light streaming in when you sequester yourself in a box, a box you built to suit your needs and that you felt kept you safe. I hate change, so I am not he ideal candidate for a total life upheaval, shocking.
I have actually learned some things in these 6 weeks. YOU are your best advocate. You need to take care of yourself first and never assume you are totally safe or on calm waters.
There are some interesting side effects to my new jobless persona. Like, today I was in Target and seriously felt that I was going to lose my shit because some kid kept asking what each thing on a shelf was. THEY'RE ALL MADE IN CHINA KID BY SOME POOR BASTARD CHILD LABORERS WELCOME TO THE TRUTH TRAIN BITCH.
So as you might imagine, I have a short fuse these days.
I basically fluctuate between trying to organize my life and be grateful for what I have and that I am incredibly lucky to be in the situation I am, read: not stuck with kids and a mortgage without a job. However, does that prevent me from being honest about my feelings?
I have also learned about who really has my back and who does not.
So that is me, I am weird, sensitive, jobless, and and would also laugh at not receiving unemployment benefits b/c of a clerical error, if it wasn't so infuriating.
Maybe this will be my second chapter? I mean I have already had 2 careers, but maybe now I need a whole new lifestyle?
Takeaway Lessons:
- Be kind to people while they're with you and when they're not. You never want people to view the shitty thing you did as expected of you, don't be that ass hat. Golden rule bro. People, you know who you are...
- Keep your resume and options open, even when you love what you're doing
- Lastly, don't let the cat sense that you've given up because she'll just wedge her furry cat ass on top of you and never leave
I may not be "there" yet but I will say, you need to have a mantra, so I will leave you with mine. Good night and God bless!
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